I know I go around telling people I’m fine; and while I appear to be happy go lucky, the truth is I’m not. I have been dealing with a lot of depression lately and frankly I just don’t know how to deal with it. I know people want to help me but honestly I have a wall just blocking people out. I try to distract myself as much as possible: video games, music, and dancing It seems It just doesn’t really help.
What’s bothering me, well honestly lost of things. My job, relationship issues, money problems, and many other things. Maybe I just need to talk it out but honestly I have problems letting people in. The last time I put my trust in someone I was hurt badly, since then I always have some wall up. I read my little bible for answers and pray that eventually I will find the answer I seek. I just need a little HOPE I guess. This is one of the main reasons why I stopped drinking. I went sober a while ago and while I say I did it to save money and such. Truth is I know I was heading back down this path and I knew that drinking would not help so I cut it out of my system with the hope it will help. I sit here sometimes just wanting to drink away everything but I know damn well that it won’t do anything. Maybe I just need time away from everything. Maybe I will take a drive to nowhere or something. I know god will lead me back the path I need to be eventually. But sometimes I wish there was that person that could break this wall I have up.
Yes people recently I reached my one month of being sober and many asked why I stopped, so here we go. I realized as much as a like to drink I was drinking too much. My friends know me as kinda of an alcoholic because I’m always drinking something. Drinking was suppose to be a way just to relax a bit; however, I started doing it for many wrong reasons. It wasn’t just 1 or 2 it was like full 6 packs or even hard liquor on a day to day basis. I was drinking when I sad, mad, angry, etc. I felt like that old me that I promised would never come back was starting to return. So I made a change to make sure I would never be that person again. Yeah I’ve crave drinks here and there but I think I’m good. ^_^
Finally it’s here VACATION. Now I have been off work the past like 4 days, but now officially begins the Shenanigans. I get to go away from this place for a while and just relax. I need this work has been stressful to no end and of course my personal life being stressful as well. I’m ready to De-stress and release all bad aura and start fresh again. I will come back rejuvenated and a better version of myself than before. But things have been going great so far. Amazing dancing, fun times. Mario kart, E3 is around the corner I’m so hyped for everything It’s almost too much.
A long time ago when I first started dancing as a newbie, I was nothing more than a craving dancer learning to absorb all knowledge and Dance till my feet would come off. Hours of practicing in a room, watching videos, and doing anything to make myself a better dancer. Along the way I eventually capped out. I reached a level I was happy with and got more involved in just spreading the word of dance to others. While that is great and all somewhere through the years I became a dormant dancer. I lost that spark that drove me. Though despite me being heavily dance involved nonetheless; I became lazy in my dancing. In the past People would compliment my dancing and tell me how good I was and I always had people wanting to dance with me. I guess the years make you lazy. A little while ago I left the scene for a while to find that person again. After being away my inner dancer has finally comes back out. I have improved already and people even complimented my dancing again. I am much happier on the floor than I was before. Now my dancer self is craving dancing again. And he is hungry LOL
It doesn’t matter how fast I run, that which I’m running from will continue to follow me until I face it.
I’ve had my heart Broken, Crushed, Stabbed,betrayed , and many other things. Yet it always manages to put itself back together;hopefully, for that one person who can treat it right.
I’ve totally been outta place as of late. Leaving the dancing world and just doing other things. I honestly don’t even know where I stand at this point. I feel like I’m going in circles over and over again. One minute my heart is telling me to go this direction, next it’s pulling me back in the other. At this point I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I even was trying to see if I could move up my leave date, just so I can get outta of here and leave it behind. I’ve made some of the best memories I could ask for from here to richmond with everyone. But also the constant heartbreaks, failures, and not living up to my potential makes me want to forget everything. I’m tired of playing catch up, I’ve been doing that game for most of my life. For once I would like to be ahead of things and look back and be proud of something. I know i have changed things but I feel like their insignificant and haven’t really made any real difference in a persons life, but I could be wrong. Have I really changed a persons life?!? or have I just been wasting my time with things. I feel like me leaving will send me off on a new adventure and challenge me in ways I have yet to be challenged. I honestly feel like the more I stay here the less I have to offer anymore. I feel like there is nothing left for me here. Yet as much as I’m ready to leave a tiny part of me is still pulling me back. I’m just on a rope in a tug of war game basically going back and forth. As much as I say I’m fine at times and say I don’t need help I know that’s half lies. I could use guidance, or a talk. or something at times. But I put that wall up every time and most people wont go through the trouble of trying to break down my wall. I honestly need to find that long answer again. Long ago I discovered dance and it was the answer I was waiting for. Now I wait and look for that new answer to my question. I’m sure I will find it. But someone show me the way because I’m totally lost.
Dancing has always been a huge part of my life. and the other day after the final Ballroom dance class I made a decision to call it quits. Not permanently of course. Many things are going on and I just need time away to recharge the old batteries doing this dancing stuff is quite tiring actually. The timing comes naturally. Around this time of year my mood has a different feel. Mainly of the past. In years past around this time I was going through hard times fighting depression. For some reason every year in the past it was always around this time frame. I know a while back I even contemplated on taking my own life. In all honestly I was gonna go through with it before my friend who saw my post on FB came to stop me. Since then I fought back and better than ever. I simply want to take time off dancing to reflect on myself and see where I am now. I know I may of not been here if my friend didn’t stop me from what I was about to do. I shall return dancing soon. Until then I shall take time to take in things: Nature, life, etc and just find my inner zen. I just thank god that he had angles watching over me that dreaded day.